Written by: Jamie Ferrell
As you approached the dining hall salad bar today, that familiar arrangement of vegetables, fruits, meat chunks, cheese flakes and dressings was as daunting as ever. “I’m going to be healthy today!” you told yourself halfheartedly. The truth is, choosing your salad toppings says a great deal about your personality. Read on to learn what your salad says about you!
After unsticking a damp, recently washed bowl from its stack of companions, you bravely entered the line and began to eye the lettuce. Ah, just look at that greenery!
If you chose iceberg lettuce, then you’re still getting used to your newfound college independence. Nothing says “I ate Pop Tarts for breakfast” quite like a nice pile of cleverly disguised water. Arugula? Mixed greens? No thanks–if the taste of anything green impedes on the heaps of ranch dressing and cheddar cheese soon to come, then you might as well be eating rabbit food.
If you chose a spring mix, you’re indecisive and passive. The variety lended by those extra few purple leaves gives you a sense of security because, as a middle-of-the-road personality, you really cannot come to a decision about anything. You’re probably the one at restaurants who asks the waitress for an extra five minutes with the menu while everyone else’s stomachs erupt into a chorus of growls in protest.
If you chose spinach, you are either (1) wearing workout clothes and attempting to avoid the freshman fifteen, or (2) in line next to someone wearing workout clothes, who reminded you to attempt to avoid the freshman fifteen.
It’s time for toppings, how exciting! Just look at those colors, like an artist’s palette, waiting patiently to turn your canvas of leaves into a masterpiece.
Well, nothing says “boring, yet responsible” quite like a scoop of grated carrots. As a fairly neutral choice, carrots mean you decided to play it safe. You’d better use your Vitamin A-improved vision to scope out some more options, but at least now you can see the whiteboard.
Cucumbers are one of those comforting vegetables that add some variety to the salad without too much commitment. Their subtle flavor and pleasant appearance show that you seek out stability and comfort in your surroundings. You probably phone your mother several times daily.
If you went so far as to even glance at those cherry tomatoes, then you’re probably also failing one of your classes. Come on, you know better– successive attempts at skewering those slippery little fuckers will inevitably result in a slurry of tomato torpedos pinging across the room. You might as well turn your meal into a game of intramural dodgeball.
If you decided to adorn your salad with a scoop of chickpeas, edamame, kidney beans, or any other kind of legume, then you have a daring and adventurous spirit. By choosing such dense, round, starchy nibblets, you’re demonstrating your comfort with some unpredictability in each bite. You probably pride yourself on other ballsy things you’ve done, like crossing the street without looking both ways, or turning in a paper at 11:59pm.
If you chose chunks of turkey, chicken, or another meat, then you are headstrong and stolid, but immovable. “Salad?” you probably thought to yourself between gulps of your protein shake. “Is that a challenge?” Now that your salad is free from those silly “vegetable” constraints, you can move on to more important things, like fraternity rush, or how much you’ll bench at the gym today.
It’s time for salad dressing! Add too much, and your salad becomes a soup. Add too little, and you’re basically eating rabbit food. Which will you choose?
If you chose ranch, thousand island, or any other mayonnaise-based salad dressing, then you probably also heaped a ton of cheese, croutons, and other anti-vegetables on your meager pile of iceberg lettuce. The goal is to make it as un-salad-like as possible. You also spent seven hours playing Pokemon Go today.
If you chose a simple dressing of olive oil and vinegar, or any other thin, oil-based dressing, then you probably also browse Pinterest constantly for new minimalist tattoo ideas. You watch a lot of reality TV and you say “present” instead of “here” when the professor calls attendance.
Read more of Jamie’s work at http://thetab.com/author/jamieferrell